If I were you…

Normally you wouldn’t be caught dead saying “I were,” right? It sounds like terrible grammar. If you heard someone say “I were in France last week,” you’d ridicule them straight into next year. After all, it’s your sworn duty as a card-carrying grammarian to stamp out such egregious faux pas.

Except—there’s an exception. (Isn’t there always an exception?) There’s this little grammar thing called the subjunctive mood which is particularly hard on the verb “to be,” making “I were” a correct construction in some cases, even if it does sound like it goes against everything you were ever taught.

What is the subjunctive mood?

The subjunctive mood is basically a verb form that posits something hypothetical that contradicts reality. (It has some other uses as well, but that’s a more advanced topic for another day. For today’s lesson, we’ll keep it simple and stick with hypothetical untruths.)

What does it mean to posit something that contradicts reality? Let’s look at “if I were you” as an example. This phrase supposes a hypothetical case that isn’t true since obviously, I am not you. It is therefore expressed using the subjunctive form of “to be”—which is always “were,” regardless of the subject (if I were, if you were, if he were, if they were).

We can often recognize the subjunctive mood with this construction:

If I were ____________, I would ____________.

• If I were you, I would subscribe to the Sloppy Bullets blog.
  (But I’m not you—though you should definitely still subscribe to Sloppy Bullets because it’s awesome!)
• If I were the boss of the world, I would give everyone free Diet Coke for life.
  (But I’m sadly not the boss of the world even though I’m perfect for the job.)
• If your teacher were here, she would have scolded you for your poor grammar.
  (But she’s not here, so Sloppy Bullets has to act on her behalf.)
• If he were going to propose, he would have done it by now.
  (But he’s never going to propose. Should she cut her losses and move on?)

Subjunctive mood vs. past tense

In all of the above cases, “was” would be incorrect. The confusion arises because “were” sounds like a past tense verb, and we all know the past tense construction of “to be” is “I was” (or “your teacher was” or “he was”), not “I were.”

However the subjunctive mood is not past tense. It’s harder to pinpoint in the space-time continuum, but it’s more present/future even though it adopts a word that sounds suspiciously in the past.

Let’s reframe the above examples as past tense to see the difference.

• I was thinking about subscribing to the Sloppy Bullets blog.
  (It’s true, and I finally decided to go for it!)
• Last night I dreamed that I was the boss of the world.
  (In my dream, it’s true that I was the most beloved world boss in all of recorded history.)
• Your teacher was here, and she left some grammar corrections for you.
  (It’s true—but Sloppy Bullets is still going to keep correcting your grammar too.)
• He was planning to propose but decided against it because he was afraid of rejection.
  (Coward.)

Can you see how these concrete “I was” examples are clearly truths that take place in the past as opposed to the speculative hypotheticals of “If I were”?

Is “If I was” ever correct?

Yes, but only if it’s past tense and you can ascribe truth to the statement.

• If I was insensitive, I apologize.
  (This is not an untruth. It’s possible that I was, in fact, insensitive in some past action or statement, which is why I am apologizing—but if you ever give this kind of insincere apology that doesn’t take ownership of your error, shame on you!)

As opposed to the subjunctive mood:

• If I were an insensitive boor, my family wouldn’t hesitate to publicly humiliate me for it.
  (But I’m probably not an insensitive boor, since my family seems to tolerate me reasonably well.)

Now if I were you, I’d follow Sloppy Bullets on Facebook and share the Sloppy Bullets blog with all your grammarian friends!

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